The laundry has been stacking up, but the dishes are finally done. I unclogged the sink and made some red clover infusion, but I need to clean, there are guests coming and there is much work to be done!

It can be so overwhelming. All the day to day activity that goes into keeping yourself dressed, fed and housed everyday. Oftentimes I wonder how people seem to do it all. Their blogs are religiously updated with beautiful layouts and pictures. Their houses are spotless and all seem to get beautiful natural light all day long. I find myself spending so much time just looking at neat and tidy spaces and carefully curated home collections, envious and feeling like my tiny, eclectic apartment with my mishmash of furniture and half finished art projects will never measure up.

My life is messy. Something is always left undone. Often, I will call for a break when I just can’t do anymore. I like to relax at the end of the day. I like to read. I like to cook and eat. Listen to music and do the dishes. Sometimes I feel like I’m lazy. Because it seems like the only way I ever get a to do list done is by forgetting about it and losing it. There’s no way to keep track of whether I’m being acceptably productive or not. And I never am.

I live in America, a place where you have to work hard and constantly if you want to be successful. But sometimes I want to stop striving. Sometimes I just want to live and enjoy and not constantly worry about covering my expenses, or being the best person I can be. But there seems to be no escape. Even my dreams stress me out, because I worry how will I ever become that cool, amazing, accomplished, beautiful person I want to be.

Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are even really a true reflection of what I would be happy doing, or good at. Will I still be unsatisfied when I finally have reached the goals I set out for myself?

Sometimes I get stuck. I can’t move forward, can’t go back, and I don’t know which way to turn. What am I doing? Where will it lead? What could I be doing better?

The questions never stop. And I am left to wonder what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Where I’m supposed to be. Who I will become.

Yeah, I dunno. What to do, what to do.

I’m getting out of this funk I’ve been in for a long time. I’m starting to see through the fog in my head that has made everything seem lame or impossible or scary. A couple weeks ago, my heart was crying out for a change, for something that would release me from one mind to the next. I missed my BFF, who always pushes me to see and experience and learn something new. I called and said I needed him to appear, and he did!

I remember him saying, sometime this week during our shenanigans, that even when you just want to stay home and hide under the covers, you have to make yourself go out and do things. Now I’m ready and have so many plans! Sometimes you just need to know that there’s someone there to hold your hand when you get ready to take the plunge.

I bought a planner yesterday, which is helping me keep track and get excited about everything I want to do. And when I get stuck, I’m turning to John Cage for some inspiration to keep going, keep working, keep learning and connecting and giving and taking–mining all I can get out of this city.

Reading:
The Gift: How the Creative Spirit Transforms the World by Lewis Hyde
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano

Listening:
Hot Chip – One Life Stand
Florence and the Machine

Watching:
Burn After Reading – Coen Bros.

——-

john cage: some rules for students and teachers or anyone else

RULE ONE: Find a place you trust, and then try trusting it for awhile.

RULE TWO: General duties of a student – pull everything out of your teacher; pull everything out of your fellow students.

RULE THREE: General duties of a teacher – pull everything out of your students.

RULE FOUR: Consider everything an experiment.

RULE FIVE: be self-disciplined – this means finding someone wise or smart and choosing to follow them. To be disciplined is to follow in a good way. To be self-disciplined is to follow in a better way.

RULE SIX: Nothing is a mistake. There’s no win and no fail, there’s only make.

RULE SEVEN: The only rule is work. If you work it will lead to something. It’s the people who do all of the work all of the time who eventually catch on to things.

RULE EIGHT: Don’t try to create and analyze at the same time. They’re different processes.

RULE NINE: Be happy whenever you can manage it. Enjoy yourself. It’s lighter than you think.

RULE TEN: “We’re breaking all the rules. Even our own rules. And how do we do that? By leaving plenty of room for X quantities.” (John Cage)

HINTS: Always be around. Come or go to everything. Always go to classes. Read anything you can get your hands on. Look at movies carefully, often. Save everything – it might come in handy later.

The mind is a funny thing. Truth is perception. What you see and hear and experience becomes your reality. The people you talk to, the books you read, the art you look at, the schools you go to all contribute to what you experience as your reality. When you decide to believe something, it becomes true. Sometimes we don’t know that we have made that decision. Putting yourself in new situations often challenges what you have accepted as your reality, and makes you reconsider your ideas and beliefs.

So I think if it’s so easy to chance your perspective, why not just do it yourself? Sometimes there are thought patterns you keep going after, and they can shape who you are and who you become. I’m looking to make some new thought patterns today.

My name is Ari and I am a 25 year old emerging artist. I am very creative, curious, and open minded. I love to meet new people and find out who they are inside. I can make pretty much everyone feel comfortable. I love feeding people and hosting them and making them feel all warm and gooshy inside. I like things that are old and worn, like buildings or books or furniture or metal. I like to cook and bake and I am very good at it.

I have amazing taste. I have the uncanny ability to find good, cheap restaurants and find really good music. I often find that something I was into a year or two ago has become amazingly popular. I am a good writer. I am versatile and creative and can write something for any occasion. I could be an amazing DJ. I always look effortlessly beautiful, whether I’m in ratty clothes full of holes or expensive fancy stuff. People want to know me when they see me.

I’m about to make an amazing body of work. I’m going to go to all the places I like to go to find things and I’m going to collect them all together and use them to make paintings and sculptures that are beautiful. You will like them.

I like creating new ways of interacting with the world. I try to treat everyone as if they are already my friend. Secretly, I am an incredible gardener with no experience. I am pretty good at almost everything I try. I am really smart and my memory is amazing. I have really good ideas and I’m on the verge of an amazing career being creative.

I am a traveler. I wander all over and I have good karma and amazing luck. I am open to new ideas and I love everyone. I am very generous. I see the good in people when even they can’t see it. I am well read and can see all sides of any argument that isn’t close to me. I am loyal and true and will fight for you. I have great ideas and I love to brainstorm.

I work hard and have a high standard for everything I do. I know how to have fun and I know how to dance. I am a great singer with a beautiful voice. I can make a mean martini. I am passionate and emotional and I cry easily. I am sensitive and maybe even a little psychic. I can feel your energy. I can feel your pain. I am hotblooded.

I have the most incredible life. It is full of love and twists and turns and adventure and new things and old things and change and challenges. One day I will live in NYC. One day I will live in the middle of the country. One day I may show up on your doorstep and I will tell you all the tales and show you what I have found in my journey.

Someday I will make a cake for you and put it in my bike basket and ride it to your house and you will be surprised, because you don’t know me yet. And we will sit and eat it and talk and laugh and it will be amazing.

I love you.

When I was in school, I was always excited for what I would do when I got out. Free from all the restrictions and requirements of education, I would be finally free to do what I wanted, and become the person I was meant to be. Then I got out and figured out that I have to pay rent and feed myself, which can be a little dream-crushy at times. Sometimes it’s hard to get back aspirations when you still have to get the everyday stuff handled. For a little while now, I’ve been trying to remember what or who I was striving for all those years I dreamed of graduation.

When I was really little, I wanted to be a talent agent. My mom was a producer and media trainer, and my sister was an actress, so it felt like a good fit. Little but fierce, I’d be able to haggle the most money and the best jobs with my quick wit, charm, and manipulative tactics. I’d take care of people who couldn’t do it by themselves.

Then there was the torch singer idea. I wanted to lie around on pianos and be treated like a princess and admired by all for my sweet, smokey, sultry voice. I’d hypnotize everyone with my satin dresses draping over the piano. My world would be slick, rainy cityscapes lit by streetlights, walking home on the arm of a tall man in a big coat. I’d drink manhattans and smoke with a long cigarette holder and basically live in the 1930s. I’d break hearts.

I thought it would be fun to be a diplomat’s wife. I wouldn’t have to deal with the boring aspects of being a real diplomat. I’d just get to travel a lot and wear fancy clothes and speak tons of languages and be super classy. I’d throw the best dinner parties and bring the best out of everyone and have an amazing place for entertaining. Everyone would adore me and I’d be like a slightly lower level, less famous, but more interesting and artsy Jackie O.

When I got to high school, I did this awesome after school arts program where I met a bunch of practicing artists. I’d visit their studios and go to their shows and that was when I first realize that there were people who actually made art for a living. I remember this moment, because I always loved to make art. It was my favorite thing to do, but I thought it was too fun to be something you could make a career out of. After that, I was hooked. My mantra was “Do what you love, and things will happen.” It led me to major in art in college, where I learned not only about making art, but I also learned how cut-throat and shmoozy the art world supposedly was. It was a big turn-off, one that I haven’t worked through fully yet. Plus, I became more interested in making events and parties than static sculptures or paintings.

When I really think about what I want to do, and who I want to be, I keep coming back to the same thing: anyone/anything I want all the time. I used to think that I could just do whatever I thought was really cool, but lately I’ve been a little blocked on the coolness front. My vision is a little blurred. But the fact remains that I just want to be amazing. I want to be that person whose presence changes a room when I enter. I want to be confident without being cocky, effortlessly beautiful, truly authentic, trusting, and candid. I want to make everyone I meet feel comfortable, like they are already my friend, and like they don’t have to pose or posture at all. I want to have so many good ideas that I give most of them away and inspire art and culture and projects and good deeds. I want to make magic happen, and glide through life, crushing obstacles and worry and troubles underneath me, as though they were nothing. I want to make art, make events, make dinner, make lemonade stands, and get people to stop and think about how lovely and beautiful thing moment is right here. I want to turn reality into a place that people think must be a a dream from which they never want to wake.

Yes, I want to be a faith healer. An artist. An organizer, a planner, a carouser. I want to sing in the street and give everything I am to everyone around me and get it right back. I want to dream and break the rules. I want to do everything, because I can. And I want to give people this perspective, that they can do anything too. And then maybe together, we will.

I’ve been watching a lot of trash TV this week. We are house sitting at a place in a super residential district with no internet, a big flat sceen, and Direct TV. I never watch broadcast TV, but every so often it’s nice to experience. I like to think of it as a sociological study about American Society and Pop Culture. Mostly, my conclusion is that it’s really fucked up. There are some quality shows, but I would say 99% of television tells you how to be, who to be, how to fix all that is wrong with you, and be as beautiful as the skinny bitches strolling happily along Caribbean beaches in bikinis with hot guys. THIS IS LASTING FULFILLMENT.

So last night I flipped on the Boob Tube and my boo, T, and I started watching Phat Girlz on Oxygen. Intrigued, and yet, also slightly put off by the movie’s title, I thought it would be a hot minute before I turned the channel, but something stopped me. I got sucked in.

For all of you in the dark, Phat Girlz is about three ladies who go on vacation, two of whom are lovely thick women, and one of whom is a tight assed aerobic instructor. They are all surprised when a group of Nigerian doctors at the hotel for a conference introduce them to a different point of view. In Nigeria, they say, the thicker the woman, the richer and more attractive she is thought to be. The aerobic instructor, thong and all, starts getting treated like the ugly chick while the other two are swept off their feet, at which point one of them can’t believe that this hot guy actually likes her and freaks out, sure that his affections are dishonest, and bails.

I related to this movie in two ways:

1. I once had a Nigerian boyfriend too!

And when I told him that usually thick girls are treated like lepers, he didn’t know what I was talking about. He could hardly conceptualize the idea that people would prefer skin and bones to hips and boobs and butts. He thought I was hecka sexy and it felt really good.

2. I still ask my boo, T, if he thinks I’m attractive.

I think he’s super hot, and I often wonder how I get to be with such a beautiful guy. I have never, in my whole life, been skinny. Add to that bad skin when I was a teenager, a few stupid boys treating me awful,  many years being single, jerky comments from jerky jerks every so often, and you know, 24 hour media messages telling me that I am ugly, unhealthy, unattractive, not sexy, and not rich enough, dirty, slobby, unfashionable and pathetic, and you have my crippled self-image. For the longest time I thought I’d never have a date, that no one would ever in a million years want to sleep with me, and I would just be alone and live with my best friend and his lover and whoever else and we’d be like Full House only queer and without any widows. And I was okay with that.

The point I’m dancing around is this. ISN’T THIS FUCKED UP?

It’s fucked that I have spent so many years feeling all these inadequate feelings about myself because this society is so obsessed with LIES! Just looking at the other channels, most of them are dedicated to making yourself feel shitty about yourself, and then trying to sell you something that will make you better. Or trying to make you jealous of a lifestyle you will never have. Or making you buy crap you don’t need because it will lead you to a more fulfilled and happy life.

Lies!

We are all insecure humans, and lots of business feeds off our insecurities. From now on, I’m going to make a dedicated effort to not give a shit how ugly I might seem to some people. I’m going to look in the mirror, say “Hot.” and call it good. I’m also going to tell everyone beautiful I see that they are beautiful, and why. I mean, doesn’t it feel good when someone gives you props? Sometimes it can change my whole mood for a whole day or longer. Why don’t we do this all the time? Why do we have to be jealous and compete and try to bring each other down when we can drive around the city yelling “Hot Stuff!” to people on the street? I think the latter would definitely be more fun. And it would be time spent having fun, instead of just sitting around thinking about all the things that are so wrong about you.

*Not actual tilt-a-whirls, but like, brain spinning media messages and stuff. And it rhymes.

Since moving to the city, I’ve been working on cultivating possibilities. I feel like the more seeds I plant, the more chances stuff will happen. In the last couple weeks I have joined a ton of event mailing lists, found tons of calendars with things to do, researched the cheapest happy hours in the city, and thought of a ton of ways (read: art projects) to make new friends in this place. I might get a job with the census, I’m working on buttering up this bakery I really want to work at, I’ve applied to volunteer at the botanical gardens, and figured out when the collective bookstore has their monthly meetings to introduce new volunteers. I’ve even figured out what permits to get to become a street artist and started experimenting with making things to sell out of my supply stash. I also found a baking and pastry program at the community college that’s free. Though my next few months are still veiled in mystery, it’s nice to think about all the things that could happen as a result of all the seeds I’m planting. I hope something sprouts.

In addition to the now future, I’ve also been thinking about the future down the road. I try to remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a talent agent, a torch singer, an artist. I wanted to travel around the country, sit in the sun, find swimming holes, make forts, and live like an indian. Nothing has changed much. I envision myself learning to play the ukelele and sing on the street corner for passersby. Sometimes when things get tough I imagine just running away, walking out of town and just trying to keep going and see what happens. I went to a show for the first time in a long while on Friday, and listening to the music reminded me of how much pleasure music-making gives me. I thought about being at house shows in Seattle, and letting visions of art and sculpture float through my head inspired by the sounds going on around me. I want to sing loud, without fear, my own words with a strong voice.

Sometimes I dream of moving to the country, into a big wooden house in a meadow not far from the forest. I’d plant a garden, learn how to keep goats, make cheese, bake bread, build a greenhouse, and find somewhere good to go swimming in fresh water. At night we’d light a fire outside and sing and play music and look at the stars and hear the crickets. I would cook, make art, read and write. I’d invite people over to make things, eat, drink, dance, and make music. I’d take long walks and bring home wild flowers. I’d have special places to go for picnics, make forts, and hang birdhouses in the forest.

I am trying to get there. Guide my life in the direction that will lead me to this place, this time. Sometime the path seems invisible, blocked by lack of money and obstacles in my way. Sometimes I feel like I have to be able to trick society in some way to get this. Sometimes I just want to run away because that’s the only way I will get to where I want to be. Sometimes I feel like I need to sacrifice something to get to this place, but I’m not sure what it is.

Sometimes I wish there was a set, known path I was on. Where I could just follow the directions and go along the conveyor belt, not having to thing about how I spend each day, each hour. Just doing what they tell me and not having to think about it outside the hours of 9-5pm, and be able to have money to pay my bills and buy my groceries and go out and have a good time.

So I’m figuring out how to ignore the obstacles. How to think of what I want to do and just do it. How to stop waiting around for the right time or the right resources and just go for it. Get some failures under my belt. Learn. Be active. Stop feeling anxious or scared. Dance, sing, be good to those people around me. And maybe one day I’ll look up and realize that I’m already on the right path.

I think I might have an issue with social anxiety.

On really good days, I am a fun, funny, outgoing, open-hearted person. I think up projects for meeting strangers, like putting up a tea party booth in the park. My dream is to run a multipurpose space for shows, classes, art, happenings, secret cafes, and dance parties. I love throwing elaborate parties, making friends, and seeing how other people live. At night I like to walk around the neighborhood and look into people’s windows and see what other people are doing. My favorite song is “The Sky Opened Wide like the Tide” by The Blow, which is all about driving around looking for your friends. “and what I want to know is where all the people are, and where they go. And what I wouldn’t give to know where everybody gets together where it is that they really live.” Oftentimes I feel isolated, like I don’t have any connection to the world around me. Sometimes I feel like everyone is a stranger to me, and I long to have some kind of community to be a part of more.

It’s been hard, over the last year, with all my best friends scattered around the globe. I’ve heard from so many of my friends how hard it is to move to a new city and find friends to hang out with. Unlike school, where there’s a built in community and constant activities to share with the hundreds of people you are living with, it’s a lot harder to make friends naturally in a city. People are busy working, living with partners, and often have an established group of friends already and aren’t looking for new people. You can go to bars, but most of the time when you approach someone, they expect you want to have sex with them, not hang out in the park and drink beer.

And while on good days, I’m open and confident, funny and outgoing, and able to make people feel comfortable around me, on bad days I’m scared of everyone. I want to hide somewhere and turn off my phone and be invisible in my gmail so people won’t try to talk to me. I’m terrified of running into anyone I know, or having to interact in any situation. I’m not really sure why that is. I have this fear that I will do something wrong, that people will judge me, or be mad at me for some reason. I’m scared of being asked to do things because I’m afraid of failing. I also afraid that if I see someone I haven’t seen in a long time, they will think I’ve made a turn for the worse, that I’m not as good or cool as I used to be. I’d hate to disappoint them.

I know these fears are irrational. I know they are not justified. I know deep down that I’m bad ass and can do pretty much everything I try pretty well. But after a year of being unemployed, continuously rejected from jobs I apply for, depressed, feeling unwanted and like a failure, those little hater voices in my head have undermined my confidence.

I’m working to get it back. Shut those voices up in my head. Feel the physical signs of anxiety and calm myself down, remind myself that what I think is not who I am, and I don’t have to believe my thoughts. That my head sometimes plays tricks on me, likes to overanalyze and worry, and that those things are unnecessary and what I think isn’t always true. That no one hates me.

I am definitely getting better at this, and I have big plans for some new fun social sculpture projects this spring. There will be potlucks and parties and tea and strangers and cake(!). It will be a blast, so stay tuned.

New Years has come and gone, people have made their resolutions, but today is the real beginning of the year. Today is the first day back from the holidays. The day when everything returns back to normal, you get your ass back in gear, and really put your nose to the grindstone.

I’ve been thinking about resolutions lately. Not really making any myself, but thinking of the ones I’d make if I were to do that sort of thing. There are too many. I want to be healthier, smarter, more beautiful, richer, more productive. I want more friends and more traveling and carousing and more making art and music and movies. But when I start thinking about all the things I’d have to do to make that happen, I feel like I have to change into a totally different person. Then I get self-righteous and tell myself I’m just fine the way I am and there’s no reason I should change, even though I know it might help me somehow. It’s not easy to convince myself to do stuff I don’t want to do. Practically impossible. So I’m trying to think of a way to have resolutions without having resolutions. If there was some way to trick myself into changing, without me knowing, I’d definitely be more successful at it.

Then I started thinking, why do we have to have all these resolutions go into effect at the same time anyway? What if we just chose alternate weeks for the resolutions that we really want to do but are too hard? This week I’ll work out a bunch. Next week I’ll eat healthier, the week after that, no TV! But then that starts to seem like I’m punishing myself for not finishing my homework or something.

I think the real problem lies in blaming oneself for the things that are undone, or the ways in which we are lacking. I am not perfect, but I’m tired of thinking about all the ways in which I’m not perfect. I’m tired of the anxiety that makes me feel like people are judging me, and makes me give up to quickly. I’m tired of never believing that I’m moving forward. I’m tired of feeling ho-hum.

So. I think my New Years Resolution has to be to be really lovely to myself. To treat myself like a hot broad on a first date. To pamper and care for and love and treasure myself so I feel like I’m worth something, and can do whatever I want, no guilt, no judgments.

With the New Year coming fast, and my honey away working all day, I thought today would be the perfect day to get all my laying around and lolling about out of the way. When those New Years Resolutions kick in, there will at least a two week period where procrastinating will feel extra guilty, so I gotta party while it’s still 2009.

Procrastination is a serious art form. It is different from just being lazy. It is distracting yourself from all the things you feel you should be doing by doing other things completely unrelated. The trick is to make yourself productive enough to self-righteously goof off when you’re getting dangerously close to running out of distraction activities that keep you from doing anything you’re procrastinating. I have been mastering the art of procrastination for years, and I think today is a shining example of my skill.

8:00am – Kick T out of bed, pick out an outfit for him and make him a lavish breakfast (cereal with banana!). Put in first load of laundry. (Doing laundry is an excellent distraction activity. You have something productive to do every hour or so that makes you feel okay about spending the hour in between watching Bewitched re-runs and finding things to eat or draw.) Poke around on the internets. Think about sending New Years cards to anyone who responds to a tweet saying “Send me your address, I’m makin’ New Years Cards.” Look for best friend’s address in Tokyo. Realize he’s moved. Give up.

10:30am – Think about working out. Paint.

11:30am – Make noodles. Think about how much time you should wait after eating noodles before you can work out.

11:45am – Feel guilty about not working out and eating noodles instead and decide to clean. Time to turn over the laundry again!

12:30pm – Send love texts to T while you clean. Feel like a 50s housewife because you’ve been watching Bewitched all morning. Fantasize about zapping yourself to Paris on a whim, or being an ad exec. Wonder how they used to make billboards without all the fancy printing and graphics software of today. Switch to Househusbands of Hollywood.

1pm – Decide your going to make awesome collages in your sketchbook. Make really terrible ones. Search for something sweet to eat. Wonder how long you should wait before you can work out after eating sweet things.

1:30pm – Think about productive things you can be doing and how you really don’t want to. Imagine a cat being put into a bath. Look on craigslist and think about how most of the ads are a scam. Get depressed about never having a job ever. Relate to the Househusbands of Hollywood.

2pm – Get really cold and crawl under deliciously clean and fluffy covers in bed. Just for a minute

4pm – Wake up and decide it’s too late to do anything productive. Change laundry. Contemplate dinner options. Feel happy and free of guilt and obligation. Open bottle wine.