With the New Year coming fast, and my honey away working all day, I thought today would be the perfect day to get all my laying around and lolling about out of the way. When those New Years Resolutions kick in, there will at least a two week period where procrastinating will feel extra guilty, so I gotta party while it’s still 2009.

Procrastination is a serious art form. It is different from just being lazy. It is distracting yourself from all the things you feel you should be doing by doing other things completely unrelated. The trick is to make yourself productive enough to self-righteously goof off when you’re getting dangerously close to running out of distraction activities that keep you from doing anything you’re procrastinating. I have been mastering the art of procrastination for years, and I think today is a shining example of my skill.

8:00am – Kick T out of bed, pick out an outfit for him and make him a lavish breakfast (cereal with banana!). Put in first load of laundry. (Doing laundry is an excellent distraction activity. You have something productive to do every hour or so that makes you feel okay about spending the hour in between watching Bewitched re-runs and finding things to eat or draw.) Poke around on the internets. Think about sending New Years cards to anyone who responds to a tweet saying “Send me your address, I’m makin’ New Years Cards.” Look for best friend’s address in Tokyo. Realize he’s moved. Give up.

10:30am – Think about working out. Paint.

11:30am – Make noodles. Think about how much time you should wait after eating noodles before you can work out.

11:45am – Feel guilty about not working out and eating noodles instead and decide to clean. Time to turn over the laundry again!

12:30pm – Send love texts to T while you clean. Feel like a 50s housewife because you’ve been watching Bewitched all morning. Fantasize about zapping yourself to Paris on a whim, or being an ad exec. Wonder how they used to make billboards without all the fancy printing and graphics software of today. Switch to Househusbands of Hollywood.

1pm – Decide your going to make awesome collages in your sketchbook. Make really terrible ones. Search for something sweet to eat. Wonder how long you should wait before you can work out after eating sweet things.

1:30pm – Think about productive things you can be doing and how you really don’t want to. Imagine a cat being put into a bath. Look on craigslist and think about how most of the ads are a scam. Get depressed about never having a job ever. Relate to the Househusbands of Hollywood.

2pm – Get really cold and crawl under deliciously clean and fluffy covers in bed. Just for a minute

4pm – Wake up and decide it’s too late to do anything productive. Change laundry. Contemplate dinner options. Feel happy and free of guilt and obligation. Open bottle wine.