When I was in school, I was always excited for what I would do when I got out. Free from all the restrictions and requirements of education, I would be finally free to do what I wanted, and become the person I was meant to be. Then I got out and figured out that I have to pay rent and feed myself, which can be a little dream-crushy at times. Sometimes it’s hard to get back aspirations when you still have to get the everyday stuff handled. For a little while now, I’ve been trying to remember what or who I was striving for all those years I dreamed of graduation.

When I was really little, I wanted to be a talent agent. My mom was a producer and media trainer, and my sister was an actress, so it felt like a good fit. Little but fierce, I’d be able to haggle the most money and the best jobs with my quick wit, charm, and manipulative tactics. I’d take care of people who couldn’t do it by themselves.

Then there was the torch singer idea. I wanted to lie around on pianos and be treated like a princess and admired by all for my sweet, smokey, sultry voice. I’d hypnotize everyone with my satin dresses draping over the piano. My world would be slick, rainy cityscapes lit by streetlights, walking home on the arm of a tall man in a big coat. I’d drink manhattans and smoke with a long cigarette holder and basically live in the 1930s. I’d break hearts.

I thought it would be fun to be a diplomat’s wife. I wouldn’t have to deal with the boring aspects of being a real diplomat. I’d just get to travel a lot and wear fancy clothes and speak tons of languages and be super classy. I’d throw the best dinner parties and bring the best out of everyone and have an amazing place for entertaining. Everyone would adore me and I’d be like a slightly lower level, less famous, but more interesting and artsy Jackie O.

When I got to high school, I did this awesome after school arts program where I met a bunch of practicing artists. I’d visit their studios and go to their shows and that was when I first realize that there were people who actually made art for a living. I remember this moment, because I always loved to make art. It was my favorite thing to do, but I thought it was too fun to be something you could make a career out of. After that, I was hooked. My mantra was “Do what you love, and things will happen.” It led me to major in art in college, where I learned not only about making art, but I also learned how cut-throat and shmoozy the art world supposedly was. It was a big turn-off, one that I haven’t worked through fully yet. Plus, I became more interested in making events and parties than static sculptures or paintings.

When I really think about what I want to do, and who I want to be, I keep coming back to the same thing: anyone/anything I want all the time. I used to think that I could just do whatever I thought was really cool, but lately I’ve been a little blocked on the coolness front. My vision is a little blurred. But the fact remains that I just want to be amazing. I want to be that person whose presence changes a room when I enter. I want to be confident without being cocky, effortlessly beautiful, truly authentic, trusting, and candid. I want to make everyone I meet feel comfortable, like they are already my friend, and like they don’t have to pose or posture at all. I want to have so many good ideas that I give most of them away and inspire art and culture and projects and good deeds. I want to make magic happen, and glide through life, crushing obstacles and worry and troubles underneath me, as though they were nothing. I want to make art, make events, make dinner, make lemonade stands, and get people to stop and think about how lovely and beautiful thing moment is right here. I want to turn reality into a place that people think must be a a dream from which they never want to wake.

Yes, I want to be a faith healer. An artist. An organizer, a planner, a carouser. I want to sing in the street and give everything I am to everyone around me and get it right back. I want to dream and break the rules. I want to do everything, because I can. And I want to give people this perspective, that they can do anything too. And then maybe together, we will.

I’ve been reading The Gift: How the Creative Spirit Transforms the World by Lewis Hyde (Download it free by joining Canongate Publishing’s website). It has got me thinking about gift giving a lot, especially with the Holidays and everything. I’m super broke and was brainstorming gift options for my peeps. There is so much pressure to go and buy shit for all the people you love. It doesn’t matter if they have everything they could ever want, somehow the gift seems to become a symbol for how much you care about or love a person. The more expensive and thoughtful, the more you love them. But even if people spend all the money they can and think really hard about it, how many gifts in your life do you actually treasure and keep forever? How many become the sentimental tokens that sincerely emanate the givers love to you for all eternity? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the gifts I have received over the years, but how many of them have grown to symbolize the love my family and friends have for me, the love we have for each other?

I think we’re going about this all wrong. It’s like we have Christmas because we need something to bribe us into spending time with our families. But what if instead of stressing out about the right gift or giftcard, we did something that was meant to bring us closer together?

I’m not sure what this could be. Maybe it’s making up traditions, like playing charades after dinner, or going for a walk (if the weather’s not to bad). Maybe it’s singing karaoke, or something corny like sharing a memory of holidays past. Maybe everyone can plant a seed together, take their charge home and watch it grow all year.

Whatever it is, I’m craving some continuity in these holiday gatherings. I want to be connected to all those people who have drifted in or out of this celebration over the years. I want to know what my ancestors did for Christmas Eve. I want to look forward to the one thing or activity that will make us all realize, together, that we are awesome and lovely as a unit.

I think we need to beat on some drums and call our ancestors to the table. I think we need to make some myths, break out the headdresses, find some traditional colors to wear. Let’s make some hand signs, lets make a family crest and all get tattoos of it. Let’s give each other all one necklace and pass it around every month. I want singing and dancing and giving back to this great earth mother. I want to wail for the sadness and dance for the happiness of last year and tomorrow. I want to tell the tale of how our people came to be here and now. I want to be thankful for us. For the tribe we have formed. For the masses we have gathered together. For those we have lost and those we have found.

Because it’s this togetherness, this place, this time, these people, this love that is the best gift. And if we’re all staring at our iPods or shaking the boxes under the tree, I’m afraid we’ll miss it.