My horoscope said it’s time to switch it up a little… change my look, evolve in my ways, start a different stage of life. I’ve been feeling it too. I’ve only been in my new place a month, but I can feel the past two years fading into the background.
Just a few months ago I couldn’t figure out why life was such a precious thing. I couldn’t figure out, logically, why people would want to continue living when life is so hard, and I’m one of the most privileged people on the planet. What is it that makes people get up to face another day every morning?
I just wanted to sleep. In my dreams I could travel to foreign lands and have weird interactions with new people and get myself into interesting situations. I was relieved when the day came to a close, and I could finally stop trying to do anything and hide in my bed, escaping into bad reality tv or movies.
Any contact with the outside world was scary. I couldn’t answer my phone. I couldn’t leave my room, for fear that someone would try to talk to me. I felt anxious and like a failure all the time, and kept thinking that any human interaction would get me into trouble. I thought everyone would hate me or be angry with me. I analyzed myself constantly and despaired at the years of torturous failing at life that lay ahead of me. I was 25, and I had already peaked. It was all downhill from here, and not in a good way.
Now, thinking back, I can still feel the heavy weight that sank me into depression. It’s so close to my heart, but at the same time it feels so long ago, so far away from this moment.
Now I’m in depression hangover. There are finally things I’m super excited about doing, but I still feel trepidatious. I’m still a little nervous that everything will fall apart and I’ll slide backward into the abyss.
But every day I’m changing, trying to distance myself from that recent path that led to tears. I put a wrap in my hair, sell some old stuff, make some plans, buy a new dress. I try to be nicer to my partner, who had stood by me through some awful moments. I drink more coffee. I get out of the house, take a walk, answer my phone even when I don’t really want to. I try to connect with the people I love, friends I haven’t talked to in ages.
It gets a little easier with every day, every dinner party, every new person I meet who doesn’t shun me the way I expected. This is what it means to be free.
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