I am on a hiatus between work assignments and I feel like I’m dreaming, or waking up, or something. There’s nothing to do. Well, actually there are tons of things I should be doing, but I’m letting myself float in the “do what you would like to within reason” land, which means that mostly I sleep, or clean, or paint, or watch really bad movies with Sally Field in them.
I feel like I keep waiting to be able to do the things I really want. I’m not exactly sure what those things really are, but this is what I’m waiting for:
Cook good food in my new kitchen.
Make fun friends and invite them to dinner parties in my new place.
Eat healthy, get new clothes.
Have a routine in which I get to do fun creative projects.
Have my own space.
The last is the one that all the others stem from. I can never really feel like I’m being myself lately… I miss having good friends around me. I miss the time when anything we did was an adventure. Life seems so lame now, and maybe it’s because I’m jaded, or maybe it’s because I’m just not in college anymore, but nothing seems exciting. I don’t feel cool. Sometimes I think J took my mojo with him when he went to Tokyo.
Sidenote: Why do hot, well dressed people always seem like they are having more fun than I am?
Nothing is new, everyone’s a poser, this American culture bites and squashes all attempts at creativity. Everyone is too hipster or too lame. Can’t make any friends. It’s probably my bad outlook that is making me think this way, but it would be so nice to just be able to relax.. stop having to work so hard to prove to myself that I’m not wasting away my youth.
I mean, I’m too old to even be a pornstar… my fallback career. Now what am I going to do when I’m really broke and have no hope? I’ll have to be a madam and squeeze my living out of the blood of younger, more beautiful ladies.
Sometimes I try to think of it long term… I haven’t even thought of most of the really amazing things I will do in my life! But I also feel my reserve start to crumble… I’m starting to understand more and more everyday why people take the corporate route with the big paychecks and the fancy weddings. Get married, have kids, buy a house… sometimes it sounds like stability, more manageable then a roller coaster life where you have no idea what will happen in another year. Right now I’m just disappointed that life isn’t always new shoes and new cities, new adventures and late nights on public transit. I want to start a bike gang, befriend a group of radical lesbians who throw the best impromptu dance parties, and are building a ropes course in the empty lot next door.
I bet it’s the internet… all that stimulus and now I’m trained life to go faster, present me with more content and information every step of the way. Connect me to hundreds of my friends every moment. I find myself staring at the screen waiting for someone to start talking to me. Waiting for my life to come to me instead of trying to make it on my own.
I know it’s just me, and I’m hoping to get out of it soon, but now that I have a few moments to relax, I can’t help wonder… why is everything so lame? But soon, we will have our own place… we will cook dinner, and if it kills me, I will have a dinner party and it will be fun, dammit.
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How many bottles of wine should I plan on ordering for a dinner of 5?
In Russia, the rule of thumb is one bottle per guest, plus one for good measure. I find that to be a pretty good rule of thumb for a long night with good friends. Of course, in Russia, they use that rule for vodka, not wine, but I feel like it works better here with wine.
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