It’s not that I haven’t always thought that I lived in my own little world. When I was very small, I remember asking my mother what she did when she wasn’t with me. This was around the time that my favorite show was “Today’s Special,” about a mannequin that comes alive when you put a certain hat on him, late at night after the store had closed. I thought maybe my mother was the same way, freezing in place until it was time to play again. I was in my own world and actively protected my boundaries. As I rode in the car, I often turned to my sister and asked her not to look out my window. This was my territory, and feeling her gaze on the back of my neck ruined the peace and tranquility I felt just being inside my head while the world rolled by.
They seems silly, those things that happened long ago, but not much has changed. Everyone has only their perspective to see. Every person has only their experiences, knowledge and people, stories, sites, advertising, culture, etc. from which to draw. The choices you make depend on those past experiences, how they made you feel, how your brain reacted and how the universe responded to your actions. It’s timing, coincidence, chaos. It’s a wonder we are able to feel so self-propelled, such captains of our own free will. The best way, perhaps, to make use of what free will we have is to learn how we ourselves work. What makes us tick, how we react in certain situations, what we have to look out for, and what environments help us be our best.
As I type this, Jenny Holzer tweets, “SELF AWARENESS CAN BE CRIPPLING.”
What I have learned in the past few months, is the value of being alone. I have made a conscious effort to find time for myself. In the past I have been concerned only with being around people that I loved and making sure that our relationship was perfect, or that everyone else was taken care of. It makes me realize how lovely it is to let others be others and take care of myself. When I’m alone, I can feel my own energy. I work harder and better. I can do everything more freely because I’m not worried about someone else. My art is better because I’m not constantly thinking about how other people are judging it, and judging it myself. I can separate my own feelings from the feelings of those around me, and get a semblance of where everything is coming from.
It’s like when you’re drawing, or doing homework or a test in school. You don’t want it to be seen until you’re done. Maybe you hunch over the paper, or cover it with your hand. Being alone makes you go at your own pace, take your time and express yourself the way you like. There is no one there to explain yourself to, no one to misinterpret your words, no one with whom to compromise. When I’m alone I can do whatever I want, and if I let everyone else’s made up voices out of my head, I don’t have to feel guilty, or not good enough, or offended, or sad, or unhappy. I can just be me, and that is enough. It feels good.
Having said that, after I’m alone I do better with others. I’m more capable of separating myself and enjoying all the wonderful virtues of all the people that I love being around so much.
