After a long while having the craziness, and being surrounded by the crazy most of the time, I’ve been spending the last few weeks trying to live without it. This has been particularly good for my psyche, as well as those of the people around me. I no longer cry everyday over anything from commercials to my boyfriends lack of taste in fine cuisine. I’m not as angry, not as argumentative, not as touchy, and not as self conscious. I don’t fight as often, I am genuinely happier than I have been in a long time.
I’m not exactly sure what happened to cause this change. In June boyfriend and I housesat the house of a family friend while he and his son went on vacation. They live far away, in a town I’d never been to before. There was nothing to do. And it was hot. My plate was rather lacking in the work department, and for the first few days all I could do was feel guilty and upset about all the things I wasn’t accomplishing.
We went for long hikes, we watched movies, I painted any scrap of old wood I could find. We cooked the food we wanted when we wanted it. We went to bed when we were tired. We woke up when we awakened naturally.
After the first week, I was really frustrated with my emotions. It was exhausting to have swing so precariously between sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, and hurt. I wanted to be rid of all of these things that were weighing me down and stealing all my time and energy.
The only thing that really sticks in my mind as far as a turningpoint, is when I started thinking to myself, talking to myself.
You aren’t going to be thinking these things anymore. You are just going to let them pass you by. All of these angry, emotional thoughts will not be listened to. When they come, you will know just to let them pass by. When you start to feel bad, relax, breathe, do something nice for yourself.
That week I spent a lot of time cleaning myself, getting clothes that fit (since the craziness of this past year has made me outgrow some of my clothes), and trying to let myself do whatever I wanted without the heavy burden of the future worrying me and weighing me down.
Since that week, it has been slowly getting easier to be more rational when I respond to things everyday. I’m learning to recognize what variables can make me happy, or irritated, and try to implement them in better ways.
It’s also easier to recognize what changes to my non-existent routine would be good for me, namely, having one at all. It’s amazing to think that life could be a lot better than it has been. I’m eager to be able to make positive changes, but it’s something that necessitates many an evolution.
This morning, the alarm went off at 7am. Boyfriend and I put a lot of merit in waking up early. For months we’ve been convinced that if we could just do this, everything would fall into place. We’d be healthier, happier, make better use of our time, eat better, have more time for our crative projects.
There’s one thing standing in the way of our early morning wakeups. Snuggletime. I know this seems like a silly thing, but it seriously takes hours from the time I first broach consciousness to the time I actually make it out of bed and into action. I can’t stand up against that sleepy feeling, the warm bed, a sleepy boy with arms and legs so long it’s like fighting an octopus to escape the cozy nest from which I’m not too inclined to absent myself.
Mornings are cold, often with fog as part of the package. Getting up when I’m really tired can sometimes give me a headache, spur a bad mood, and necessitate naps in the afternoon. This sleepiness is my Goliath. Finding a way to be happy and awake early in the morning feels like an almost unattainable goal. Boyfriend even started a blog back in February called “Waking at Five,” a shortlived experiment that resulted in one glorious day that lasted so long it seemed like 4 days put together.
I want a lifetime of these days.
So tonight, I will go to bed early. I won’t eat too much at night, and I will drink a lot of water. I will stretch and and go for a walk and I will set the alarm. And hopefully, by choosing this everyday, I will find a different habit.